God Cares About Our Pain: Grief and Loss

Mat 5:4 (NRSV) "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

We all suffer grief. Sometimes it's the excruciating pain of losing someone we are very close to, whether through death or a move or just a loss of the relationship. Sometimes it's a change in a relationship. It might be a job loss, the loss of a pet, or a failure of some sort, which is the death of a dream. Whatever our pain, we need to remember three things:

1. God understands.
2. God cares.
3. God can bring us through it and even make something beautiful out of it. 

"Grief is a journey, often perilous and without clear direction," writes author Molly Fumia. "The experience of grieving cannot be ordered or categorized, hurried or controlled, pushed aside or ignored indefinitely. It is inevitable as breathing, as change, as love. It may be postponed, but it will not be denied." 
Fumia says it well. When it comes to grieving the death of a loved one, there are no linear patterns, no "normal" reactions, no formulas to follow. The word "grief" is derived from the French word "grève," meaning a heavy burden. Indeed, the physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual implications can be overwhelming. 

While grief is an expected response to a significant loss, the unfamiliar emotions that arise can lead to feelings of helplessness, fear and isolation.
Following a death, everyone works through these stresses differently. Some are instantly devastated; others feel numb and disconnected. Some withdraw socially, while others reach out for support. What's more, just when the initial shock begins to subside, a deeper sense of reality and despair sets in. Those who grieve may need to learn new skills, adopt different habits and adjust to daily life without the physical presence of the person who died.
Although grieving is an individual experience, there are symptoms many people share after suffering personal loss:

• Feels physically drained
• Can't sleep at night
• Forgetful and unable to think clearly
• Noticeable change in appetite
• Physical distress such as chest pains, headaches or nausea
• Stays extremely busy to avoid thinking about his or her grief
• Eats, drinks watches television, etc. excessively
• Participates in harmful activities
• Senses or dreams about the deceased
• Becomes withdrawn, lonely and apathetic
• Frequent sighing and crying

Each person sets his or her own pace when grieving. There will be ups and downs, moments of relief followed by moments of anguish. The first few days after someone dies are generally the most intense, marked by chaos, strong emotions and a "dreamlike" sensation.

God empathizes with our pain. His own Son, Jesus -- Who is God -- suffered grief. I think readily of one example.

John 11:33-35 (NRSV) When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who came with her also weeping, he was greatly disturbed in spirit and deeply moved. ³⁴ He said, "Where have you laid him?" They said to him, "Lord, come and see." ³⁵ Jesus began to weep. So the Jews said, "See how he loved him!"

Of all people, Jesus certainly knew about Heaven. He knew that Lazarus wasn't suffering. But He also knew that it hurt, to lose him. Even though we know someone is suffering less, or something is for the best, God doesn't expect us to just act like nothing has happened, or say "Well He is with Jesus praise God," and go happily on our way. It is wonderful to keep an eternal perspective. However, God has built grief into us as a normal emotion, and we need to allow ourselves to feel it and work through it. God cares about our pain. He knows everything, including our emotions, but He wants to hear from us.

Psa 62:8 (NRSV) Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us.

He wants us to pour out our hearts to Him. He wants to hear our hurts. He isn't an aloof God who distances Himself from what we are going through. He is a loving God, a Shepherd, a Father. Those of you who are parents -- think about how you feel for your children when they are grieving, over a friend who has moved, beloved pet who has been killed.
And our Heavenly Father loves us even more than we love our children. Imagine how much more than that even, He cares for us in our griefs! But the ultimate perspective we have does need to be eternal, as well as God's glory and purpose even now. And we often find God has taught us valuable lessons from our pain. I think of two valuable insights I have gained through pains I have encountered:
 
I can now better understand others' pain.

When we are hurting, and afterwards, we need to ask God to use this for His glory and to help his other children.

2 Cor 1:4 (NIV) who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. Rom 8:28 (NIV) And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

I cherish now the relationships that I have.

I realize how short life can be, and that we need to tell people now how much we appreciate them. We need to take time for the family and friends God has blessed us with.

A BOLD Invitation For MEN

MEN: A personal invitation to join God-fearing men in an intense discipleship 3-day event that will happen May 28-30, 2015. You can register by going to http://bold-venture.com 

What is BOLD Venture? 
It isn't a program—it’s an organic network of men and women who believe we must have authentic relationships in order to impact the world for the Lord. The three-day retreats are focused on worship, inspirational teaching and lots of fellowship around meals and in small groups. My closest friends and I want to do all we can to  disciple men and women to be courageous disciples of Jesus. I hope you will join us this year! Personal prayer and mentoring is our passion! 

The theme for our southeast men's event is Discovering Your Inner Warrior. God has placed so much passion, creativity, and boldness in men and He wants men around the world to step out in faith and lead with boldness, transparency, and accountability. If you want God to challenge you to a new level of faith pray about joining us. 

Speakers include: Matt Judd, Jeff Thrash, David Abraham, Eddie Taylor, Paul Muzichuk, Antione Ashley, Felipe Amorim, Chris Maxwell, and host Lee Grady.

Worship: Nate Barbour with special music by Jeremy Thrash.
Registration: $75 which includes 4 shared meals. Scholarships are available for college students and guys between the ages of 18 and 24 or men with financial challenges.
The first session begins at 5 p.m. on Thur., May 28 and concludes at 1 p.m. on Sat., May 30.

Here are some photos from previous years: 

Inside 'Christian' Marriage: The Invisible Pain

It's no secret that Christian marriages around the world are suffering.

Why are husbands becoming less affectionate to their wives? Why are wives distancing themselves from their husbands? I believe it is time for a spiritual revival not only in our churches but more deeply in our marriages. No self help books, seminars, or specific marriage teachings will transform our marriages more until both husband and wife fully submit to the leading, promptings, and convictions of the Holy Spirit. Let's examine five ways that Christian marriages begin to fall out of love.

1. Personal Prayer is Absent.
We can pray all we want at church, in public venues, or even take a selfie during a spiritual moment for friends and family to see but without consistent personal prayer your marriage relationship will begin to slide. "We all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God...". All of us. Husband and wife. If you want a God-honoring marriage ask the Holy Spirit to renew your prayer life today. Our generation follows the principles of 50 Shades of Grey quicker than the Word of God. Ask the Lord to renew your walk and begin to fervently pray that the Holy Spirit will begin to knit your hearts together so that true love from the Father will fill both your hearts to love in a deep and sincere way. Without prayer we build on sand. I challenge you build on the rock- Jesus Christ.

2. Secret Unrepentant Sin.
Both husband and wife must daily be washed in the presence of the Holy Spirit from sin's stain and stronghold. The Bible reminds us, "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." Do we take responsibility for the sin we committed or do we begin to blame our spouse just like Adam did in the Garden of Eden? Husbands-it is your sin of lust, sexual fornication, adultery not your wife's fault. Wives- it is your sin of bitterness, strive, and backbiting and not your husbands fault. The quicker we confess our sin to the Lord the quicker healing will begin in our marriage. Are you still hiding a secret sin? Is it more valuable than your marriage?

3. Me, My, Mine Attitude.
Remember your courtship days and how you each ran towards each other in affection. What happened since then? It is this attitude of self-pleasing that is deteriorating marriages around the world. The word, "I" is translated from Latin the word, "ego". Next time you speak to your spouse replace the word I with ego. My ego wants you to clean the house more! My ego wants you to be more helpful! My ego wants the house fixed. Changes the perspective doesn't it? The Bible reminds us that, "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs." Will you ask the Holy Spirit to change your attitude today?

4. Couples Competition.
This is not something new yet it deceives thousands of couples--the desire to  promote your lifestyle. Wives and husbands enter competition with other couples seemingly invisibly yet the affect is palpable. Husbands begin to work even more, wives begin to shop incessantly. Husbands show off their toy cars, wives promote their fashion style. The list can go on forever. In the midst of a couples pursuit to outdo their peers, they lose their affection for one another. If we are to passionately love the Lord Jesus Christ and exemplify a God-fearing marriage we must stop loving the world. There must become a visible and genuine difference between couples who love Jesus Christ and those who only carry a name for the facade. Examine your marriage, what has the Holy Spirit been asking you to let go?

5. Consistent Maintenance Avoided.
Husbands- what would happen if you did not change the oil in your car regularly? What would happen if you never bothered to check tire pressure or the threads on your tires? Sooner rather than later you would have a heavy repair bill. It is easier to maintain the vehicle properly than to repair an engine or worse potential car accident recovery. Many husbands avoid the "maintenance" issues in their marriages and expect everything to work fine. Imagine if husbands just yelled at the tires-"Why don't you just fill up faster!" or "Why engine do I have to clean you every time!". Yet, we often as husbands yell at our wives and think its always their fault. Maybe...just maybe we as husbands have dropped the ball in maintaining affection, romantic pursuit, or just simply being kind to our wives?

Wives- what would happen if you never washed your hair for an entire week? What would happen if you did not clean your house for an entire week? What would happen if you did not touch the laundry basket for a month? Yes- it would become a HUGE problem. How about your relationship with your husband? How long do you let things not get resolved until a big blow up occurs? What every wife obviously does is wash their hair often, clean the house daily, and wash/dry all the clothes as often as possible. When is the last time you found a way to your husbands heart to address issues that need some maintenance? Don't avoid them investigate them because his silence is an indication that relationship maintenance is long overdo.

My hope is that the Holy Spirit will prompt husbands and wives to recommit their walk with the Lord in a deep and passionate way so that God-honoring marriages can show what true sacrificial love is all about. Never give up on your relationship because Jesus never gives up on you!

10 Ways A Husband Can Be KIND To His Wife

Let's open of the word of God and see what Apostle Peter had to say recorded in 1 Peter 3:7, "Husbands, likewise, dwell with them(your wife) with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered." Every Christian husband wants their prayers to be heard and answered but the Lord is warning husbands in this verse, DON'T MISTREAT YOUR WIFE! Your wife is your co-equal and she deserves to be honored and understood with kind affection. To help you jump start your motivation to serve your wife, here are 10 ways a husband can be kind towards his wife....

1. Clean The Kitchen. It wont take you long and it will put a huge smile on your wife's face. Clean the table off, wash the dishes, sweep and mop the floor and then tell her you loved doing it. (Major brownie points)

2. Pick Up Your OWN Clothes. Your wife is not your slave. You have two feet and two hands. If you have enough muscle to bench press 175lbs at the gym, then you have enough strength to lift dirty underwear, dirty socks, and sweaty clothes into the laundry basket.

3. Study The Bible Personally. As Christian men, we must understand that when we personally study the Word of God it begins to change our attitude in the home and in our relationships. Kindness is found in Jesus and if we study His teachings we certainly will grow the fruit of kindness. In many Christian marriage studies, wives have indicated they would feel more loved when their husbands have a dedicated study time in the Bible and prayer.

4. Cuddle With Your Wife. Wives want to feel the loving and kind embrace of their spouse. Husbands: when you to decide to cuddle its not about YOU its about HER! Stop thinking it must always lead to sex. Wives must feel honored and cared in all respects. This will certainly add to your love bank with her.

5. Say THANK YOU Often. Even if you have been married for many years, it should not stop us as husbands in giving thanks and appreciation to our wife. Every chance you get affirm her talents, character, good works, and use that to say THANK YOU! Being kind is not a sissy type of man but a man who respects his wife in a caring and loving way. If you want to have the aroma of Christ, use the words THANK YOU often towards your wife.

6. Have Daddy Days. Many couples have babies, toddlers, and growing children in their homes. Husbands- Take a few days each month and let your wife rest or go shopping or go out with her friends. Take the kids out for a full day not just saying hi to the kids and crashing on the couch. Experience the load of changing diapers, washing faces, replenishing milk bottles, and wiping tears away from crying toddlers. Your children will love it and your wife will certainly think you are the greatest husband and daddy.

7. LISTEN When Your Wife Talks With You. I read in a book once that says the word 'listen' has the same letters in it as the word 'silent'. When we listen to our wife we show kindness and care. We are attentive, we are focused on her needs, we make an intentional effort to hear the entire story no matter how many different angles it starts going into. Learn to listen to your wife.

8. Actually SMILE! It's not that hard to show loving graciousness like a genuine smile. Some men in the Slavic culture think its better to show a sour face and a serious look ALL THE TIME. God designed us to SHOW emotion and affection and the best place to start is with your wife. Make a diligent effort to greet her with a smile!

9. Scrub The Bathrooms. It may seem like the "woman's job" but I have not yet found a foundational scripture to defend that case. I DID find many scriptures for men to be loving towards their wives and that we have been created equal to share each others burdens. Husbands, if you never cleaned your bathrooms take time and try it. Scrub the inner layer of the toilet bowl, the shower tiles, the garbage can, wipe the hair and small particles of filth on the ground, wash the floor, use bleach, wipe the windows and then after you are done you can share with your wife your experience. It's a great tool to win even more brownie points.

10. Tell Her You LOVE HER! We as husbands have lack in this department. We KNOW that we love our wives but they need to HEAR our affirmation towards them. Don't be cheap on your words for your wife. Lavish her with words of encouragement and love. Tell her you love her in the middle of your day, tell her she is beautiful, tell her how important she is to you, tell her how wonderful a mother and spouse she is to you and the family. As men, we crave encouragement from our spouses but if we are cheap in our words towards them we shouldn't be harsh when we receive the same. Speak the words 'I LOVE YOU' often and in many ways to your wife.

This list should serve as a great motivation to start showing ways to be kind and caring towards your God-given gift- your wife. Serve her!

Twitter: @PaulMuzichuk

iAsk: Bogdan Kipko, Pastor and Lead Visionary at Intentional Christianity

Every Monday I will be posting new interviews with Christian leaders to find in-depth counsel on issues such as ministry, family, careers, politics, finance, and theology. Today's in-depth interview is with Pastor and Lead Visionary of Intentional Christianity Bogdan Kipko. Let's begin...

Paul: First if you can give a small summary of who you are, what you do and what is your greatest passion in life?  

Bogdan Kipko

Bogdan: Hi Paul, thank you so much for reaching out to me and being such an encouragement - I really appreciate it - we need more leaders like you in Christendom. Leaders that are more known for what they are for, rather than for what they are against.

I grew up in Christian home and towards my late teens, I was gripped by the gospel of Jesus and have never been the same since. I have failed miserably but Jesus saved me gloriously. I can't think of anything else I would ever want to do with my life than to preach the gospel and deliver the good news to a broken world. My goal is to help people uncover their gifts and unleash them for the glory of God and for the joy of others in their life. I want to see God's glory uncovered in the life story of every person that I meet. Someone asked me recently if I do anything exciting, besides preaching and speaking. I said that I can't think of anything more exciting than seeing dead people come alive. I love Jesus, I love my wife, I love my church and I love the people that God is constantly placing in my life.

I am currently the Lead Visionary at Intentional Christianity, a digital portal dedicated to spreading the supremacy of Jesus Christ to a world in need of radical redemption. This includes a social media think tank that is constantly producing gospel-centered content through blogging, books, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram and most recently, podcasting. I am also one of the pastors at a local church where we have services in both English and Russian. In addition, I work closely with a Slavic church network overseeing over thirty churches and over two thousand young people.
In the near future, my goal is to develop a 24/7 online media channel which will stream Christ-centered content worldwide. We are also working closely with our local community in developing a non-profit organization which will house the homeless population in our county and provide them a restorative process that will ultimately crescendo in the individual integrating back into society, imaging exactly what they were created to image by their Creator God. So please pray that in all this that my team and I hope to accomplish, Jesus would be made much of and that God's gospel would be integrated into the fabric of every day life in the life of individuals that we will impact.

I am also passionate about navigating a movement in which predominately Slavic churches in America would in a healthy way transition to be more effective for the gospel by creating additional English venues so that communities who don't speak Russian would also be reached with the gospel. I want to see the church fulfill their calling in the United States and one of the ways that will happen is when the Slavic church will cease to be an isolationist community, bound by culture and tradition and would break out of the mold to evangelize and reach the lost people in their midst that speak a language other than one of the Slavic dialects. Out of the over thirty churches that are a part of the church network that we belong to, we are the less than five percent who have actually begun an English ministry in our midst and desire to model and display a ministry methodology for others to espouse and adopt as well, for the spread of the gospel and for the glory of Jesus.

Author Bogdan Kipko

Paul: 1.) Bogdan, I am excited to hear that you just wrote and published a book called, "Forward-How to get unstuck and become unstoppable". Share with me and our online community the story behind this book and why you wrote it?
Bogdan: The last ten years have been an absolute whirlwind for my wife and I. We both lost our beloved dads to cancer. I moved to a new state, started work at a new company, assimilated to a new church and started and finished my graduate degree in seminary. This was happening while I was working full time in the corporate world and in the church. We both went through peaks and valleys in every single sphere of our life. We experienced our fair share of difficulties and arguments as a brand new couple, learning to live together as a married couple. We went through a difficult time in ministry that nearly left us depleted and emptied, both physically and spiritually. There were many times when it seemed like we were completely stuck with no way out. But Jesus does not save you from every storm, because He wants to save you through the storm. So this book is basically what I have learned in the last ten years of my life. The anthem on repeat has been Ephesians 3:20-21 where Paul proclaims these epic words: “Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever.” This is basically a book going over the many mistakes that I have personally made and what happened when I actually believed that the gospel is real, Jesus is alive and God’s love and grace are absolutely reckless to the point of being a rampant scandal. In a very good way. For more info on the book, go to www.forwardbook.com.

Paul: 2.) As a pastor, you see many people "stuck" in their spiritual walk and at times even unmovable. What encouragement and practical advice can you give to those who need a boost of spiritual motivation this holiday season?
Bogdan: Not only do I see people being stuck but I too fall into that same category very often. I am convinced that the most difficult thing for any follower of Jesus to believe is that Jesus is in love with them. Because every time we don’t believe that, we aggressively seek out other gods to satisfy our desires. But every time we drink from polluted vessels, we run back to Jesus to drink the living water which only He can provide. But I know exactly what you are saying. Sometimes, I am ready for the season to change, but the season is only interested in changing me. I believe that for God, who we are becoming is more important than what we are doing. Because our ultimate goal is to see Jesus face to face so that he would say to us well done good and faithful servant. But the scandalous part is that Jesus is not in love with a new and improved version of us. He loves the messed up, warts and blemishes version of us now. When we realize that this is the reality, our entire life perspective shifts. So the goal is for us to quit listening to ourselves and start speaking the gospel to ourselves. It doesn’t matter if you never stand behind a pulpit. No one speaks to you more than you do. So you are either preaching a false gospel of mediocrity and defeat or an authentic gospel of triumph and victory because on the cross, Jesus definitively declared: “It is finished.” So rest in that reality. God will get you through, what you are going through.

Paul: 3.) December is a time of year when many people begin to review their personal results of the current year. Everything from fitness, financial status, and educational achievements. Parallel to this there are those who find themselves looking to start new ministries, projects, careers, and dreams in the new year. In which category are you in this year and what events triggered it?
Bogdan: I have personally stopped making new year’s resolutions because I don’t believe they work. Not for me or for the majority of the people around me. If you want to resolve in doing something different start today. If you want to lose weight, drop the fries and burger and pick up some celery. If you want to wake up earlier, start going to sleep earlier. If you want more money in your account, then stop buying things you don’t need to impress people you don’t like with money you don’t even have. You don’t need to wait to do that until the new year. You can begin doing that today. If you want to start a new ministry, a new non-profit, a new book, a new blog, a new school or a new degree, start right now. Tomorrow is an illusionary world that we wrongly believe espouses all productivity. But then tomorrow comes and nothing changes. I go more into detail about what I just said above in this post: http://bit.ly/1fx9No2. And as for a new job - some of us don’t need a better job - we just need to do our current job, better. For me personally, I just launched my book so I am in between projects. I am super excited to getting back to creating new content, recording more podcasts with several very special guests, creating multiple new e-books and preaching like crazy every Sunday at my church and leading my small community group every week which is my most favorite part of my life.

Paul: 4.) Bogdan, both you and I enjoy using technology, social media, and connecting with friends and acquaintances online. Millennial's and even older online users have caught themselves spending hours on the computer, their iPhone, or even their WiFi tablets. Does technology play a significant role in ministry? As a follow up, should ministry leaders pursue efforts to engage online users across the various community channels available?
Bogdan: If a leader is not leading digitally, his leadership is limited to those who also ignore the digital world. That population is getting smaller and smaller and last time I checked, the clock was still going forward.
 I believe that social media is the new authority. History has never seen an age like ours. This is because social media has ushered in a new authority. It has radically changed the way we connect, communicate and spread ideas, forever. Social media has also changed the way authority and influence are allocated within our society. There are no longer gate-keepers that can prevent anyone from getting a message out. In the new authority order of social media, influence is fostered from connectivity, not control. It is no longer about how much you know but rather how generous you are with that knowledge. 
The focus has shifted from titles to tribes. This has been the case all along – social media was just able to harness this reality and make it a commodity – available to anyone. Which makes it both a phenomenal reality and a great responsibility. Before, people gathered around one particular charismatic personality. That person was able to keep a tight control on things that were going on within an organization. Social media has usurped from denominations the influence they once possessed. Because control is no longer delegated to one particular committee or organization.
 Before, people demanded to be heard because of a position they held. Today, people listen to those who have something to say, not just those who want to say something. If you want to influence this generation, you need to develop a relationship with them. Leaders who do not harness the power of social media are adhering to the old authority order.
The new authority ushered in by social media is exciting, progressive and perpetually changing. As a Christian, you are called to be a wise steward of the resources that have been given to you. This includes asking Jesus for wisdom while navigating through this new world of social media.

Bogdan Preaching

Paul: 5.) Looking into 2014, world leaders, politicians, religious leaders, business men keep echoing a mixed review of opinions. Some say to fear the American dollar crashing, others predicting heavy spiritual and moral declines, and yet others say to prepare for Armageddon. What has the Lord been speaking to your heart concerning this upcoming year? Should the body of Christ be preaching fear, hope,or both?
Bogdan: The body of Christ should continue to preach Christ. In season and out of season.When it is popular and when it is considered intolerant. If I please God, it does not matter whom I displease. I can’t serve two masters. Simultaneous allegiance is impossible. Contrary to some opinions, the church is not dying but it is sick. So what we need is less criticizing and more evangelizing. More unity and less uniformity. More diversity and less division. I am not much of a conspiracy theorist and I am a pastor, not a politician - so all I care about is delivering the gospel with clarity and conviction and then watching God show up and do His thing as per usual. I am not worried about currency decline because God has all the money in the world. I am not worried about moral or spiritual decline because it always existed since we live in a post Genesis three world. I believe that the church is the hope of the world and Jesus is the One who will build His church and not allow the gates of Hell to prevail over it ever.

Paul: 6.) Christmas is right around the corner. How will you be celebrating it this year?
Bogdan: We have a few big community events planned at my church which I am really excited about. Upwards of three hundred people from our community will come out and enjoy our official Christmas celebration service as we talk about and glorify Jesus. In addition, I most likely will be spending time with my wife and my church family, preferably next to a cozy fire with my favorite mug full of gourmet coffee. Super excited to move forward into 2014.

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iAsk: Pastor Ron McCants, Ministry Ambassador with In Touch Ministries

Every Monday I will be posting new interviews with Christian leaders to find in-depth counsel on issues such as ministry, family, careers, politics, finance, and theology. Today's interview is with Pastor Ron McCants with In Touch Ministries. Pastor Ron and I met earlier this year at a men's discipleship event in Florida and have stayed connected encouraging and praying for each other. 

Pastor Ron McCants

PAUL: First if you can give a small summary of who you are, what you do and what is your greatest passion in life?
 
RON: I have been in ministry for 35+ years, mostly in Tennessee and Florida. Barbara and I have been married 42 years and our lives together just get better with each passing year!

We recently moved to the Atlanta area to accept a position as Ministry Ambassador with In Touch Ministries. As an Ambassador I travel and call on Ministry Partners – sort of a Pastoral extension of Dr. Stanley’s ministry. It is such a joy to get to meet so many people and pray with them about their needs and hear what God is doing in their lives.

An added bonus is living less than an hour from our daughter and her family and getting to worship with them! We are about to launch a Life Group in our home beginning in January.

The mention of family brings me to the greatest passion in my life – relational discipleship. What joy to see people grow in their relationship with Jesus.  As the Body of Christ walks in right relationship with Him it must involve a relationship with each other. The purest form of discipleship happens in close quarters!

PAUL: 1. Pastor Ron, thank you for taking the time to share your heart with me. I would like to first ask you what has the Lord been impressing upon your heart the most this year? Its been a year of ups and downs for many families and ministries. What has the Lord been talking to you personally about?

RON: Since this has been a year of tremendous transition for us it is hard to get beyond what He began speaking to my heart the beginning of the year – Isaiah 54:2 – enlarge…stretch…lengthen…strengthen!

It seems sort of strange in a time when everything around us seems to be shrinking but the initial imperative for Israel and for us – enlarge – refers to the “place” of our tents. I believe that while we are facing those “ups and downs” we should not retreat or downsize our thinking. It was a prophetic word for Israel – He wants to be the God of the Gentiles – and it is a prophetic word for us – there are many people out there that are unlike us that we should enlarge the place of our tent to include!

The transition of ministry for us has placed us squarely in the midst of people I never could have imagined I would be. He may be shuffling the entire deck of Christianity…

Pastor Ron ministering

PAUL: 2. If we take a holistic view on the body of Christ today with all its spiritual victories and weaknesses, what have you observed as being barriers to unity among the brethren? Also, how can we begin to heal some of these issues?

RON: As referenced above, God has a larger place for us. I believe that means that we should not narrow our focus to strictly those circles in which we have been comfortable. As one person said (I don’t remember!) “Everyone is a 10 at something.” For the Body of Christ that means we can’t discount any stream of tradition.

It may seem like a cliché but we need each other, and we need to focus on the things that unite, not the things that divide us into different camps. And I don’t mean to include every heresy and extreme theology. Let’s work on those things that are not essentials of the faith and cling to those that are.

There is ONE place where we are all alike – at the foot of the Cross. There is ONE spiritual discipline in which if we engage together, it would heal not only the Body but the culture – prayer!

PAUL: 3. Many are concerned today about the decline of morality and spiritual hunger in our country these days, what hope do you see for a revival to awaken? Some say that natural disasters like Katrina, Sandy, and violent tornadoes are God's judgements against America. Does this have any significance for Christians in America?

RON: I heard Bishop B.E. Underwood say many years ago that in the world there are two agendas. The devil’s agenda is that in the end times perilous times would come, but the Lord’s agenda is that in the last days HE would pour out His Spirit upon all flesh. Whose agenda will we follow?

I don’t think we can specifically say that natural disasters are necessarily from God – if He is punishing or judging America, then why are there more disasters in other parts of the world? The recent earthquake and typhoon in the Philippines is an example. Are they more corrupt than America? This is an example of comparing ourselves among ourselves and we are not wise (fools) – 2 Corinthians 10:12.

That does not mean that we are exempt from God’s judgment. We do have much to answer for, especially the Christian community but we can’t pinpoint a natural disaster as being judgment from God any more than we can pinpoint the cause of the man born blind to his or his parents’ sin! (John 9)

Pastor Ron preaching

PAUL: 4. As a seasoned minister, what counsel can you share with young people in my generation on walking in the fear of the Lord? It seems many have lost sight of this and enjoy messages of hyper-grace and living life as one seems good and right. It deeply concerns me seeing an imbalance of truth and grace. Pastor Ron, share with me your father's heart on this.

RON: We have so misunderstood the fear of the Lord. The first definition listed for that phrase in most commentaries and lexicons is “morally, reverence.” The concept is that we revere God – hold Him in such high esteem – that we would not want to do anything to disappoint Him.

The best example I can come up with is that any child wants to please their father (parents) so badly they will do or refrain from doing anything, regardless of his or her home life or treatment from their parent. That seems to be innate for all of us.

So it is with our loving Heavenly Father. We cannot use the great grace poured out on us as a license to act any way we want towards God or fellow man. Although we don’t have to DO anything to receive His grace, because of His grace and my reverence of Him why would I do anything to displease Him? My greatest goal is to know Him (the fellowship of His suffering and the power of His resurrection); His goal for me is that Christ be formed in me. I don’t envision Christ presuming on the grace of God to act in His own self-interests, otherwise the Cross would not have happened!

Young people, please do not take the liberty of your freedom in Christ to diminish His life and power within you to be Godly examples. As Paul wrote to Timothy, his son in the faith, I would admonish your generation to “pursue righteousness….” Read 2 Timothy 2, especially verses 19-22.

PAUL: 5. One conclusion I have noticed is our generation is thirsty for transparent leaders and spiritual fathers and mothers. Having said that, looking back into your walk with the Lord what are some personal disappointments have you been through that may help someone avoid them in the future?

RON: I think the greatest disappointments I have had came from making decisions (early on) without really laying out the options to trusted mentors or spiritual fathers. When I began my walk with the Lord and in ministry that concept was not really on the radar screen in most of Christianity, at least in my circles of influence.

I would NEVER make another major decision without having at least 2-3 mentors whom I look up to and respect as fathers in the faith giving me their blessings. Find them, stick to them like barnacles on a pier, and trust God to speak through them. But at the end of the day…you make the decision.

And I must say, not to my own credit, my life has had very few disappointments. God has been good to me. Someone said that you are not old until regrets replace dreams – I must be very young!

PAUL: 6. On a more lighter note, What are your plans for Thanksgiving? Any interesting family traditions you do that you can share?

Pastor Ron and his wife Barbara

RON: Actually, our plans for Thanksgiving this year are brand new. Living in Florida and our daughter, Stephanie, living in NE Georgia, we have been having Thanksgiving with her family – Kirk and Will and Kirk’s parents and extended family. This year they are all coming to our house! Pray hard for Barbara. She approaches it a little differently than me – for me if there is food and family it is a good day, no matter the quality of the food…or the family!

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iAsk: Lead Pastor Jennifer McAfee of Villages Community Church

Every Monday I will be posting new interviews with Christian leaders to find in-depth counsel on issues such as ministry, family, careers, politics, finance, and theology. Today's interview is with Assembly of God Lead Pastor of Villages Community Church in Fort Worth, Texas Jennifer McAcfee.
 

Lead Pastor-Jennifer McAfee

PAUL: First if you can give a small summary of who you are, what you do and what is your greatest passion in life?

JENNIFER: I am a wife to an incredible man of God who works as a Lead Software Quality Assurance Tester. We celebrated our 6 year wedding anniversary a few weeks ago, and have an amazing 2 year old daughter. I am the lead pastor of a new church plant in Northeast Fort Worth, Villages Community Church. I also serve on the Northeast Fort Worth Section Committee as the Secretariat. I am passionate about seeing God in every moment, hearing God's direction, correction, and instruction, and courageously obeying Him at all costs. I love building the local church, encouraging ministers, and cultivating leadership.

PAUL: 1. Jennifer, share with me the lessons you have personally learned that may help emerging Christian women leaders from your story of you becoming a Lead Pastor in a local church? As you know, women in high ranking leadership roles both in the secular world and in the religious circles have been given little if any encouragement to pursue callings of leadership. 

JENNIFER: What comes to mind is stop worrying about what other people say and think. There will be a lot of people for you and a lot of people not for you. Those who are opposed will be the loudest in your ears, foremost in your thoughts, and heaviest on your heart. You have to operate on a level of self-control that many do not. Rather than allowing these discouragements to control you, you must control them with peaceful mind of Christ. Rather than fixating on opposition, surround yourself with a stellar support system of both women and men of God. I am learning that I will receive as much encouragement as I am willing to discover. 
  
 As a woman called to ministry, you will be hard pressed to find the same opportunities in mentoring, relationship, and visibility as men in ministry. I have learned that I can't wait for those opportunities to appear, rather I have to seek them out. I have grown a thick skin, enabling me to ask and see. You have to be able to stomach rejection and let it go rather than holding on to it and being bitter. Are you willing to engage a mentoring relationship that is less formal? Read books, ask to sit in on meetings a couple times a year, always have three questions prepared to ask, etc. There was a time I sat around waiting for opportunity and encouragement to come to me. It was lonely. It was depressing. It was a distraction from the mission of Christ to be working through me. When God called me to step out and plant a church, He also gave me key correction in how to engage leaders in my life, and my life has never been the same. God said, "Jennifer, I have called you to love, encourage, and support your leaders. Do that and let me do the rest." It was the absolute most liberating choice of obedience I have ever made. I saw God transform people's hearts, minds, and perspectives not by my persuasion, but by His transformation alone. 
  
Now I feel absolutely encouraged, loved, and supported. Why? Because I have chosen to surround myself with the leaders God has called me to encourage, love, and support. I do not seek formal mentoring from them, rather I choose to allow them to shape my life as I encourage, love, and support them. It is mentoring on my terms, in a manner that isn't about what I get from them, but in a manner led by how I can offer honor, service, and unconditional love.

PAUL: 2. What do you feel is the most significant barrier to female Christian leadership? and as a follow up...how did you personally overcome such obstacles?

JENNIFER: We need visible examples to follow. There is an incredible void of opportunity when it comes to women leaders being visible. The value of this visibility isn't equality, recognition, or prestige. High level visibility of women serving in lead pastoral roles is important so that other women can see that it is and can be done. Prior to God radically calling me to plant churches, being a lead pastor was never on my radar. 

 I grew up with my Dad sitting me on his knee and whispering in my ear, "You can do and be anything God tells you to do and be." Yet somewhere along the way I internalized a belief that there were certain things God only used men to do, and leadership was one of those things. Where did this belief come from? I was not raised to believe that. I received a call to ministry at a young age. I am the oldest of five children. I have always been a leader in every context I have ever been in since I was a child. Yet leading in ministry never crossed my mind. I assumed I would be a pastor's wife. When I graduated SAGU unmarried and absolutely single, I sought out positions in children's ministry and worship, because that is what a woman could do. 

Where did this mindset come from if it wasn't something taught to me outright? I firmly believe it is because I never saw it done before. I knew of women evangelists, worship leaders, missionaries, and kids pastors. My youth pastor was a woman. I never was exposed to a female senior pastor or in executive leadership. That vacuum exists still to this day. Those who are prominent features at conferences, retreats, councils, and serve in leadership by in large are men. We need more women being made visible in these contexts, not for the sake of equality, rather for the sake of showing the way.

The way I have overcome this obstacle is clinging to relationship with the female lead pastors that I do meet. I am now in a life-long covenant relationship with four other female lead pastors. We stay connect consistently, retreat together, and encourage one another in life and ministry. I also have chosen to be an example to other women. I intentionally share my experiences with transparency every opportunity that is feasible for my family and life. I may not have an easily visibly woman to model my ministry development after, but I will certainly live with an approachability and transparent vulnerability that will enable other women to have an example to learn from (successes and failures.)

PAUL: 3. Our culture today has been characterized as a sex-crazed, sexually motivated generation. Even top corporate brands like Axe and GoDaddy use what's called sex-marketing. From your perspective, how can Christian women raise their voices against such practices and avoid being caught in the swift current of always having to look "sexy" to please the culture while in many instances compromising their own walk in the fear of the Lord?

JENNIFER: The most powerful voice a woman has, especially in relation to society's sex drive, is to simply be counter-cultural. Wear clothes that are modest, yet trendy. There is not a need to sacrifice style for the sake of modesty. You can honor God and still look great! When you are among other people, shopping, watching television, etc voice when something is lacking modesty. Voicing your dislike is not a free-pass to be a mean girl. Voice your preference, not your arrogance. Carry yourself and respect yourself and others in such a way that causes others to take notice and WANT to be more honoring of themselves and others as well. I think we do harm when we voice our dislike in a spiritual manner. Modesty absolutely is a spiritual act of honoring God. But to the one who does not know God, it sounds restrictive. Instead, modesty is about self-respect. Modesty has the power to decrease discrimination, sexual abuse, lack of equality, sexualization of women, sexual harassment, pornography, adultery,  teen pregnancy, abortion, rape, molestation...the list can go on and on. If women AND men would choose self-respect by modesty then the attitude of society toward gender would heal in significant ways.
  I think it is important to note that men need to be equally as mindful about modesty as women. Men are sexualized constantly. Women lust too. Women struggle with pornography too...50 Shades of Grey has proven that (although romance novels have been around for ages). Too often the church has taken a stance on this sexual craze in society that says it is the woman's fault for mens struggle. I think it is time brothers and sisters in Christ start taking responsibility for their own choices, as well as taking responsibility for honoring and respecting one another. Another thought on this topic. We are living in a time where society's perspective of sex is in a dramatic shift. Homosexuality is no longer embraced by the majority of Americans as taboo, but acceptable. Modesty must be pursued by both men and women in all places and times, being mindful of both men and women. A woman choosing modesty is living in a way that guards their safety and respect, as well as guards the hearts and minds of other men and women. A man choosing modesty is living in a way that guards his safety and respect, as well as guards the hearts and minds of other men and women.

PAUL: 4. Jennifer, I have personally seen abused women who shared stories of physical beatings, rape, gang rape, emotional abuse from husbands, and even marital rape around the world and the effect healing has when the Holy Spirit unties and heals years of pain and torment. Women seldom talk about the abuse they went through especially if it has been or is being done in Christian homes. What counsel would you share with women struggling to share the pain in years past or even recent memories?

JENNIFER: Find a safe spiritual family who is trustworthy. Be transparent with the Pastoral couple of your church. Healing begins by confessing sins that have been done. This doesn't mean you have sinned, it means you are confessing the sins that have been done toward you. That darkness that has blanketed your heart and soul must be pulled back in the light of Jesus' mercy and grace. Only you can let that light in, and you need a safe supportive family to be by your side as you courageously allow the Holy Spirit in to those hidden hells. Let your Pastors care for you, and seek professional help as well. It takes a brave person to admit when they need help. Pastor's can spiritually lead you. A licensed counselor can psychologically help you heal. A safe spiritual family can support you through the ups and downs that are guaranteed as you confront your past so that God can bless you with a free and blessed future in Him.

PAUL: 5. Who have been key folks in your life that have greatly encouraged you in your ministry and even personally? How did that make you feel?

JENNIFER: First and foremost is my husband, Andy McAfee. He has been absolutely supportive in every way imaginable. He knows my weaknesses and still believes there is nothing that I am not able to do in Christ. He sees God's call on my life, he affirms God's anointing that rests on me, and he supports my obedience to God. I am so thankful that God blessed me with such a secure and strong man of God. My parents, Tom and Emily Alderman, and my in-laws, Richard and Jina McAfee, are constantly encouraging me in ministry and life. My lifelong sisters - Preacher Girls Rachel Ross, Kathy Cannon, Leila Ojela, and Korista Lewis. I am so thankful for such supportive District Leadership here in North Texas. Pastors Rick Dubose, Gaylan Claunch, David Henry, Nova Pittman, and Mike Harper have been such an incredible source of encouragement. The Northeast Fort Worth Section is full of men and women who have been an incredible source of blessing and support, and it is such an honor to serve alongside Presbyter Roger Lewis and fellow committee-persons Randy Sheridan, Jeff Strickland, David Freeman, and Ken Harris. Pastor Rod Loy, Pastor Scott Wilson, Pastor George O. Wood, Pastor Doug Clay, Pastor Ron Hawkins, Dr. Hardin, Dr. Hayes, Dr. Bartel, Dr. Hester, Steve Pike, John Jay Wilson, John Davidson, Jason and Renee Exley, John and Gwen Miller, Mary Beadles...I could write page upon page the names of all the people who have been such a powerful source of encouragement and blessing to me in ministry and life. I am truly blessed beyond measure, and definitely beyond what I deserve.

PAUL: 6. What have you noticed and see great hope for in the millennial generation?

JENNIFER: Courage to demand truth, justice, love, and transparency. By and large the millennial generation cares more about relationship and the family unit than the appearance of success. This generation will not just jump, they want to know exactly what they are jumping into, and when they do finally jump it is with absolute loyalty and commitment. Those are the makings of the greatest disciple-making generation this world has ever encountered!

Jennifer

PAUL: 7. As a mom, pastor, wife, and friend when and how do you find time to relax and collect your thoughts and hear from the Lord? Also, what helps you stay motivated to do what you do?

JENNIFER: First of all, I have to confess that I am TERRIBLE at relaxing. I am in a season of learning how to rest and discover what I enjoy outside of the work of the ministry. I absolutely LOVE the work of the ministry, and so I tend to just keep on keeping on. I am learning that this is not healthy. I need to have a place of relaxation, rest, and reprieve to quiet my heart and rejuvenate my soul. This fall I have made it my mission to make my home a sanctuary, a place of comfort and tranquility. As one who works from home, it has not been this. This week I rearranged the house in such a way that it carries a calm and intimate feeling. This has been a wonderful change for me. I now can sit in my home while my daughter naps, and by lamp light sit in my comfy chair and simply breath and rest in the presence of God. I keep the television off, no music, no computers, the phone on silent, and I just sit and mentally talk to God. I always make it a point to acknowledge God and that this is our time. Sometimes, after this acknowledgement, I just rest in his presence. I have NEVER been able to do this before! For the first time in my entire memory of life I can actually sit and not have a million thoughts flooding my brain. I believe that many people struggle with this. We live in a digital era where communication and productivity are available at a touch of a button. I believe we tend to live in sensory overload. We are so great at multitasking life that we miss out on living life with Christ. I am learning how to do that. This time is so precious to me, but it isn't my only time with God. In fact, I don't get to spend this kind of rest in Him every day. It usually occurs once ever three days or so. Every morning I wake up, and before I do anything else I spend time in the word - reading scripture, journaling what I observe God doing in that Scripture, journaling what I should apply to my life from that Scripture, and journaling my conversation with God in light of that Scripture. This week I am beginning to do this with 4 chapters a morning. I can't go a day without this time. It is my breakfast of champions!

I desperately need this time with God. Ministry is so hard. Often I feel all eyes on me. There are times where I sense that people are watching and wondering if this can really work, a woman leading a church. I feel this pressure to be an example to other women. I feel like at any moment I could drop it all and leave a legacy of failure. Now, I know that some of those feelings are straight up a lie from the enemy. Some of those feelings are true and real, but not for me to spend time and energy fixating on. Some of those feelings don't matter at all. It is easy to start drowning in all the emotions and awareness of it all. There are days where I am doing all I can to just keep my head above water. There are days that I just want to quit, not because things are so bad but because I don't know why God chose me. Sometimes in the midst of it all I imagine what it would be like to live a normal life that blends in. "I can go to a church, be a godly wife, be a godly mom, teach a Sunday School Class." That would be a life changing existence that leaves a powerful legacy and blends in with perfect acceptability. My mom and mother-in-law taught me well by living this powerful world-changing example for me out loud. The problem with me following in their footsteps is that is not the future God built me to live. God shaped me to lead. God shaped me to forge into the dangerous wilderness to make it a smoother journey for those who are coming behind me. God created me for a challenging and adventurous life and ministry. The problem with the "normal" life is that it is not normal for me. God created me for difficulty. If life and ministry wasn't and adverse reality, I would be terribly bored and out of my element. Some boats are made for rowing, some for tugging, some for carrying, some for cruising, some for speeding, and some for weathering the storms. I am a stormy ship. Recently God has been incredibly mindful in encouraging me in my call, through MANY unrelated sources. The message has been the same...my life is a pearl of great price, clarifying a crown for eternity rather than present, and measured by a success that humanity cannot understand but only the Holy Spirit reveals. 

What motivates me to do what I do is knowing that what I do - this life I lead - is what I was built, shaped, created, and purposefully engineered to do and be. If I did anything else I would be lost because it isn't the life I was called, ordained, anointed, and appointed to live. The ease of being something else would be the weight of losing who I am created to be. This statement by Paul in Philippians 1:20-21 best states what motivates me to keep obeying the call of Christ,

" ²⁰ I expect and hope that I will not ·fail Christ in [^Lbe ashamed about] anything but that I will have the ·courage [boldness] now, as always, ·to show the greatness of Christ [or so that Christ will be exalted] in my ·life here on earth [^Lbody], whether I live or die. ²¹ [^LFor] To me ·the only important thing about living [^Lto live] is Christ, and ·dying would be profit for me [^Lto die is gain/profit]."

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