Inside 'Christian' Marriage: The Invisible Pain

It's no secret that Christian marriages around the world are suffering.

Why are husbands becoming less affectionate to their wives? Why are wives distancing themselves from their husbands? I believe it is time for a spiritual revival not only in our churches but more deeply in our marriages. No self help books, seminars, or specific marriage teachings will transform our marriages more until both husband and wife fully submit to the leading, promptings, and convictions of the Holy Spirit. Let's examine five ways that Christian marriages begin to fall out of love.

1. Personal Prayer is Absent.
We can pray all we want at church, in public venues, or even take a selfie during a spiritual moment for friends and family to see but without consistent personal prayer your marriage relationship will begin to slide. "We all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God...". All of us. Husband and wife. If you want a God-honoring marriage ask the Holy Spirit to renew your prayer life today. Our generation follows the principles of 50 Shades of Grey quicker than the Word of God. Ask the Lord to renew your walk and begin to fervently pray that the Holy Spirit will begin to knit your hearts together so that true love from the Father will fill both your hearts to love in a deep and sincere way. Without prayer we build on sand. I challenge you build on the rock- Jesus Christ.

2. Secret Unrepentant Sin.
Both husband and wife must daily be washed in the presence of the Holy Spirit from sin's stain and stronghold. The Bible reminds us, "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." Do we take responsibility for the sin we committed or do we begin to blame our spouse just like Adam did in the Garden of Eden? Husbands-it is your sin of lust, sexual fornication, adultery not your wife's fault. Wives- it is your sin of bitterness, strive, and backbiting and not your husbands fault. The quicker we confess our sin to the Lord the quicker healing will begin in our marriage. Are you still hiding a secret sin? Is it more valuable than your marriage?

3. Me, My, Mine Attitude.
Remember your courtship days and how you each ran towards each other in affection. What happened since then? It is this attitude of self-pleasing that is deteriorating marriages around the world. The word, "I" is translated from Latin the word, "ego". Next time you speak to your spouse replace the word I with ego. My ego wants you to clean the house more! My ego wants you to be more helpful! My ego wants the house fixed. Changes the perspective doesn't it? The Bible reminds us that, "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs." Will you ask the Holy Spirit to change your attitude today?

4. Couples Competition.
This is not something new yet it deceives thousands of couples--the desire to  promote your lifestyle. Wives and husbands enter competition with other couples seemingly invisibly yet the affect is palpable. Husbands begin to work even more, wives begin to shop incessantly. Husbands show off their toy cars, wives promote their fashion style. The list can go on forever. In the midst of a couples pursuit to outdo their peers, they lose their affection for one another. If we are to passionately love the Lord Jesus Christ and exemplify a God-fearing marriage we must stop loving the world. There must become a visible and genuine difference between couples who love Jesus Christ and those who only carry a name for the facade. Examine your marriage, what has the Holy Spirit been asking you to let go?

5. Consistent Maintenance Avoided.
Husbands- what would happen if you did not change the oil in your car regularly? What would happen if you never bothered to check tire pressure or the threads on your tires? Sooner rather than later you would have a heavy repair bill. It is easier to maintain the vehicle properly than to repair an engine or worse potential car accident recovery. Many husbands avoid the "maintenance" issues in their marriages and expect everything to work fine. Imagine if husbands just yelled at the tires-"Why don't you just fill up faster!" or "Why engine do I have to clean you every time!". Yet, we often as husbands yell at our wives and think its always their fault. Maybe...just maybe we as husbands have dropped the ball in maintaining affection, romantic pursuit, or just simply being kind to our wives?

Wives- what would happen if you never washed your hair for an entire week? What would happen if you did not clean your house for an entire week? What would happen if you did not touch the laundry basket for a month? Yes- it would become a HUGE problem. How about your relationship with your husband? How long do you let things not get resolved until a big blow up occurs? What every wife obviously does is wash their hair often, clean the house daily, and wash/dry all the clothes as often as possible. When is the last time you found a way to your husbands heart to address issues that need some maintenance? Don't avoid them investigate them because his silence is an indication that relationship maintenance is long overdo.

My hope is that the Holy Spirit will prompt husbands and wives to recommit their walk with the Lord in a deep and passionate way so that God-honoring marriages can show what true sacrificial love is all about. Never give up on your relationship because Jesus never gives up on you!

The Internal Enemy of Women: Comparison

Most women do not struggle with looking lustfully upon men's bodies. The way the eye of women usually works has largely to do with COMPARISONS.

Comparison: 

• to examine (two or more objects, ideas, people, etc.) in order to note similarities and differences
• to appear in a similar standing
• to differ in quality or accomplishment as specified
• to rival   

Comparing Each Other

Women tend to look at other women and compare themselves. They try to be attractive to men, but they sometimes measure their attractiveness by comparing themselves to the appearance of other women. Sometimes they will survey the group until their eyes land on the woman they consider most attractive, and then the comparisons begin.... (Summary text taken from A Covenant with My Eyes, pg 117)

Catering to the desire of women to recover their youthfulness, entire industries have arisen that enable women to undergo a host of medical procedures to enhance their attractiveness. Our culture doesnt give women the permission to age. Something that should be celebrated (the regal beauty of a woman's crowning years) is turned into competition to try to look seventeen again. (Summary text taken from A Covenant with My Eyes, pg 120)

As men we tend to quickly dismiss the waves of emotions that go though our wives, mothers, and sisters not understanding an enemy internally in them that is trying to dismantle their self-image, value and worth-this enemy is called Comparison. It happens to pastors wives, to stay-at-home moms, to business women, to nurses, to teachers, to care-givers all over the world. As much as women try to understand the internal pressures and struggles in sexual temptations for men, we as men, must do the same with greater compassion for the women in our lives. For our wives, our mothers, our sisters and ladies around the world who desperately need to know they are valued, protected, and honored.

 Here Are 5 Ways For Women to Combat the Battle of Comparing

Walk in Freedom!

Yourself: 

1. Receive God's Affection! You were created by God and in His image. He affirms you as a beautiful daughter of the King! Walk in majestic beauty knowing your heavenly Father absolutely loves you!

2. Forgive your Dad! The father gives the identity to the children. As much as we have fatherless sons, we have more fatherless daughters. Without affection from their Dad, without loving embraces, without words of affirmation, daughters begin to question their self-worth. Am I beautiful enough? Is something wrong with me? Am I a good daughter? Cutoff the enemy's stronghold and forgive your father for not embracing you, not affirming you, not loving you with emotion when you needed it most. Healing brings joy.

3. Confess Your Struggle! The Bible says in James 5:16, "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective." Let your husband know your struggle. How you feel ugly, how you compared yourself to another woman, how you desired to be more attractive like "that" girl. If you are single, share with a spiritual mother and pray together. Don't live in comparisons live in freedom!

4. Spend time with godly women! The more time you spend with women who are humble, meek, modest, and Spirit-led the more you will have a desire to please the Lord instead of posting more "selfies" on social media. Proverbs 13:20, "Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm."

5. Volunteer/Serve! As men tend to find themselves trapped in porn when they are alone, lonely, or in depression so women need to understand that constantly viewing pictures of other women, their families, their lifestyles, for hours a day obviously will cause comparison to arise internally. Cut-it off by doing good. Volunteer more at church, serve at local non-profits, visit elderly, create care packages for those in need. When we shift focus from me to the those in need we become blessed stewards of the time God gives us.

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